This was published 5 years ago
'It helps them feel better': shaming and sharing bad dates online
By Mary Ward
"Hey sexy, what's up? I got your Instagram off Tinder."
"Pretty sure I swiped left on your Tinder."
"LOL no worries you're fat ugly I'm not really going away LOL I was just bored and had nothing better to do so eat a dick and die slow :-)"
Alexandra Tweten publicly posts the awful messages women receive on dating apps.
Alexandra Tweten reads through a lot of conversations like this.
The Los Angeles writer generally receives screenshots of 20 such exchanges each day, sent to be considered for inclusion on @ByeFelipe, her Instagram account which documents the terrible experiences women can have when dating online.
Ms Tweten, 31, started the account in 2014, after realising the types of messages she had received from men on dating apps were surprisingly common.
"I was in this [Facebook] group for women in LA and someone posted a screenshot of a crazy message she had gotten on OkCupid," she recalls. "It was this guy and he said something, I can't even remember what it was, and she didn't respond. And 12 hours later he just sent her this message which read, 'Asshole.'"
@ByeFelipe now has over 470,000 followers eager for the equal parts horrific and hilarious stories Ms Tweten posts, which she vets on the basis that they must be either "funny" or "make [her] feel something".
"I don't post ones that are a little bit too dark or scary, because the whole thing I push is making fun of these guys," she says, noting there are other forums for that. (Popular tumblr account "When Women Refuse", for example, documents stories of violence against women which stemmed from romantic rejection.)
It is all a part of what has been called "date shaming": publicly posting the details of a bad dating experience on social media.
Closer to home, 34-year-old Alita Brydon's Facebook page, Bad Dates of Melbourne, has 63,000 followers who have signed up for her thrice daily posts of anonymous romantic woe, although she doesn't like the term "shaming".
"I don’t think that shaming is going to change someone’s behaviour, so what’s the point?" she says, noting she removes all identifying details from submissions and does not post screenshots from private conversations.
The stories on Bad Dates of Melbourne are sometimes hard to believe, although Ms Brydon says they are all true. One man took the half-empty drink he had purchased for a woman out of her hands so he could give it to the next woman he wanted to chat up. Another woman was bluntly told, "You're just cute. But not hot."
While she once posted screenshots unedited, Ms Tweten now tries to make sure the parties are anonymised, although this is mainly to comply with Instagram's community guidelines, which prohibit "content that targets private individuals to degrade or shame them".
She has been asked to take posts on @ByeFelipe down "just a handful of times". She does, with a caveat.
"I'm like, 'If you apologise and promise not to do it ever again, I'll take it down.'" Most do.
But, what drives this behaviour – outbursts in the face of rejection, the blatant objectification of women – in the dating world?
Tweten believes the anonymity dating apps provide can "definitely" result in the behaviour she catalogues, although she is conscious of labelling the problem as existing exclusively online.
"I hear from women who say things like this have happened to them in a bar, where a guy will come up and hit on them and they'll say 'no thanks' and then [the guy] will insult them," she says.
Then there is the difference between how men and women use dating apps. In 2016, researchers at Queen Mary University of London found men are much more likely to swipe right on a prospective match on a dating app than women were.
"[Men] send so many messages to women online and don't get any responses so then they get frustrated," says Tweten. "Also there's a sense of entitlement, they think they deserve our time and attention and get angry when they don't get it."
The popularity of their pages has surprised both Ms Tweten and Ms Brydon, who recently started an additional Facebook page, Bad Dates of Australia, to cater for stories coming from across the country.
"I don't know what the motivation is," says Ms Tweten of the women who trust her with their screenshots, noting she receives many messages of thanks.
"They get the validation of people saying 'this guy's a dick' or 'this guy is stupid', it helps them to feel better about what happened to them."
Paradoxically, Ms Brydon says several people have contacted her to credit their successful relationships to the page.
"It’s provided them with the confidence to try online dating despite the inevitability of a terrible date," she says. "They’ll either have a great date or an incredible bad date story – it’s win/win."
Abusive messages and the law: things to consider before you post
If you are receiving threatening messages from a former or current romantic partner, you should keep a record of what is said, says Anna Kerr, principal solicitor of Sydney's Feminist Legal Clinic.
"Domestic violence cases now frequently include claims of social media stalking and harassment as well as calls and texting," she says. "I do advise women to take screenshots and print out hard copies of this material to be used in evidence."
As for other courses of action, online abuse in Australia can be reported to the office of the e-Safety Commissioner. Dating apps also feature reporting mechanisms for users who appear to be behaving in an unfriendly way.
If you do want to share screenshots publicly, be wary of the risk of opening yourself up to a defamation action if what you post is not sufficiently anonymised.
"Truth is a defence to defamation," Ms Kerr says. "However, the cost of defending a defamation claim is a major deterrent from speaking out for a woman who is alleging misconduct... The onus will fall on her to prove the truth of her claims and that can be very tough."
Alexandra Tweten is a panellist for Dating: a Survival Guide, as part of the All About Women festival held at the Sydney Opera House on March 10.