Techno Tantrums

Everyone else is allowed

When your child feels left out

At most Digital Parenting or Cyber Safety talks I present there is always at least one parent who asks me how they can get their child "off" an app or game. This question is usually asked after they have been made aware that an app is unsuitable for their child. The frequency of this type of question indicates, that there is clearly a problem with how some parents view what is known as "digital parenting". 

Many parents really do feel absolutely helpless around setting boundaries for their children and their digital devices. The strange thing is that parents that ask this question, probably have no problem with setting other types of boundaries for their children for example, telling their child to not to eat the whole packet of biscuits in one go...but taking a digital app away seems to them like a different set of skills are required. The answer I usually give after such a question is that digital parenting should be no different from non-digital parenting. Parents need to set boundaries and enforce them by supervising to the best of your ability, and then setting consequences for pushing or breaking those boundaries. Setting parental controls might be a solution for a while or removing the device for a short time. However reasoning with your child and trying to educate them might not be enough to have them see sense.

But How Do I STOP Them!

As with all aspects of parenting, you can't simply try to outwit your children at every turn, you can't guarantee that your child will follow all the rules you've set, and you won't always "catch them out". You can only do your best to explain why the boundaries are in force, how important it is for everyone's wellbeing that they stay within them, offer safe alternatives if you can, and deal with the issues when they arise if they do go outside of them.

It's a long term process that takes time, needs to start early and yes, they will mess up! Digital parenting isn't about staying one step ahead or trying to outsmart your teen. Our children have a greater ability to outwit us if they really want to, not just on technology but in every way. Our job as parents is to make sure that their desire to push those boundaries and possibly come to harm is lessened by understanding the dangers to themselves if they do, respecting our leadership and wisdom, and yes believing that the consequences from mum and dad are a real and an inevitable deterrent.

Another example of this digital parenting disconnect was a parent at a recent talk who asked me "How to I stop my child from deleting his browser history?" (so that she could supervise where he was going online). She hoped there was a "fix" or button she could push. The answer I gave was simple, "tell him he is not allowed to delete his history, it is part of the deal you have with him that allows him to have the use of a computer/iPad". The parent was incredulous...I further explained, if you find the browser history deleted, you set a consequence, the same as you would if you said, "junior don't hit your sister" and junior hits his sister...

Afraid Of Kids Reaction?

Some parents are also quite fearful about taking steps, that whilst sensible and necessary, might upset their kids. To help with establishing your confidence, do some research, find out about what your child is using, and then decide if you think an app is suitable for your child. Allowing your child to use an unsuitable app simply because you are afraid of the tantrum your child will throw, may exacerbate the conflict going forward when the child understands that a violent reaction will get a tentative parent to back off.  It can be upsetting to deal with their anger, but ultimately, the more you calmly stand your ground the easier it should get.

Deal with any unacceptable behaviour the way you would normally, escalating violent behaviour from a child in response to a restriction can be a huge issue if not addressed early, in some cases it can result in the police being called if it goes beyond a safe limit.

Don't Overreact!

I've had parents contact me about their child who has pushed digital boundaries in an unsafe way, where the parents have set a consequence that is completely over the top. Banning the entire social media and internet for 10 months! Not only will you do more harm than good by cutting them off from their peers, setting extreme punishments will give you absolutely no where to go if you need to up the ante for a worse infraction in the future. What do you do next time, ban them for 2 years? Small reasonable consequences can have more impact than you think, taking the phone or iPad away just for the weekend or even two weekends, may be a huge inconvenience for your child, even if it doesn’t seem that way to you. Their world is a lot smaller than ours, and what doesn't seem a big deal to us, might be a massive deal for them.

Consistency and keeping things in proportion is so much more effective than losing your cool, and going ballistic. Having said that, I realise that there is a pay off for parents who want to ban things "FOR EVER"...because then they then don't have to "police" things or deal with it. Getting rid of it all, isn’t really a fair option in todays digital world.

But They Will Lose All Their Friends!

Some parents have also expressed to me their fears around their children losing all their friends who also use a certain app or platform if they are not allowed to also use it. In reality, most kids (as adults do) use at least 3 or 4 different means of interacting, there are other parents who will not allow some games or apps as well. As a community it is important to support different families rules and values. There will be many times where your child’s friends will be allowed something and you will not be able to allow your child the same thing. It is important for children to understand that different families have different needs and ideas around what is safe or suitable.

If as a community parents can start to wind back children’s reliance on unsuitable adult apps, this would help enormously. Some schools have started a support group of sorts to do this.

Taking Things Away - Yes You Can!

There will times where you have allowed a game or an app that you thought was reasonably safe for your child, but find out afterwards that it isn’t suitable or safe for your child. Many parents tell me they simply cannot reverse their decisions, or take something away that was previously allowed. Of course you can, no parent is infallible or needs to appear that way to their children. If we cannot reverse things or take things back, we cannot really be effective parents, off screen or on.

I'm sure all parents have had an instance where they have had to do an about turn after giving something to their child or allowing something. Taking something away or returning it, when you have found out about the real dangers is the only sensible and responsible thing for a parent to do.

Digital Parenting is JUST parenting. Use the same skills. 

Like everything else about parenting, being informed gives us confidence to confront difficult issues and make good fair decisions for our children. None of us had children that came with a How-To manual, we all had to learn about educating our children and catering to their particular needs. Digital parenting is just another side or part of parenting, admittedly one that we weren't taught by our own parents, but never the less, it's now part of our parenting responsibility.

Having ongoing open conversations in a positive way with your children will open up their world to you. You can learn so much from your children about their online digital world if you show a genuine interest. Ongoing negativity about the internet will only push the conversations into the dark where your children may keep secrets from you.

Parents Need To Support Each Other!

It can be difficult if you know another child is doing something dangerous online and you wonder if the other parent knows about it. Would you want to know if it was your child? You could also tell the child’s school if you thought it was serious enough, and leave it up to the school to mediate.

If the parent community don’t support each other the children can be left floundering and not supported.

If you know your child’s friends are allowed to use an app that you feel is unsafe for your child, you can certainly ask your child to avoid it when they are with that child. It may not be enough to protect your child, but at least your child knows your boundaries. Setting reasonable expectations for our child’s behaviour when they are away from us is important, whether its kindness, respect or online access.

Being safe and healthy online is really a community responsibility, our children are using technology as a community and as their parents we need to join that community even if it is at a distance. However some children have parents who really struggle to understand what kids are doing online, and their children might then be very vulnerable online without their supervision and support. As a community of parents carers we need to make sure all our children's friends are safe online, especially the ones that don't have "Cyber Savvy" parents. Make sure your child and their friends are using safe apps and playing safe games designed for their age group that are inclusive. If you feel it is appropriate, help the parents of your child’s friends to understand what the children are doing online so that you can all be on board with their safety and appropriate use.