Children, as any parent knows, can be baffling and unpredictable; they may tantrum seemingly out of nowhere, or develop stubborn behaviours (such as hitting a sibling or adamantly refusing to tidy up after themselves) and maintain them irrespective of the consequences and the pleas of adults.
When such events occur, parents are invariably left wondering, “Why? Why is my child behaving this way, and why won't he stop?” While the answer, many presume, is a lack of consistent discipline, this is often not the case; even the most lenient parent will, for example, usually discipline a child consistently for hitting a sibling. Instead, the child's behaviour is usually the result of an emotional impulse; he or she gets “caught up in the moment” and simply loses control.
If the above happens frequently in spite of consistent reprimands, it is almost certain that the child is suffering from a lack of what child psychologists refer to as “emotional regulation” skills. Without the ability to regulate his emotions appropriately, a child cannot learn to express his feelings in constructive ways; instead, he behaves reactively, lashing out before he has a chance to recall the consequences.
This lack of emotional regulation is not merely frustrating for parents; it has profound implications for the child's psychological health. Children with poor emotional regulation skills have consistently been shown to have a harder time concentrating than children who can regulate their emotions well, and subsequently they tend to under-perform academically. Additionally, children who struggle to regulate their emotions usually have more conflicts with their peers, suffer from higher levels of stress, and experience difficulties in empathizing with others.
Conventional discipline is sometimes not enough when it comes to teaching “difficult” children how to regulate their emotions, as the process involves far more than just teaching a child that if he does not control his temper, bad things will happen to him (though it is indeed vital to insist that children with emotional regulation issues learn to discuss what is troubling them calmly and respectfully). Emotional regulation is at its core not the art of learning how to act differently, but how to think differently—in a way that is more fair, balanced, and constructive.
Ergo, to teach emotional regulation skills, parents (and professionals) must strike the right compromise between allowing children to have their feelings and showing them how not to be overwhelmed by those feelings. For example, we want a child to know that it's okay to feel discouraged while teaching him not to give up, or to be able to forgive himself for being anxious while also being motivated to conquer his fears, and so on.
Teaching such lessons is, of course, easier said than done, especially given the fact that there is as yet no consensus on how exactly children learn emotional regulation skills. Some therapists have devised programs which revolve around changing the child's cognitive processes (how the child thinks about emotionally-charged situations); others adhere to a more traditional approach which focuses on setting limits and providing difficult children with opportunities in which to practice self-control.
Almost all therapists do, however, agree on one thing: Children must have their emotions validated before they can begin to work on managing them. If a child feels like he or she will not be “heard”, the compulsion to act out in order to make his or her feelings known will only become stronger. Conversely, a child who simply trusts that his or her feelings will be fairly considered and understood often feels as though those feelings are less urgent in nature—just as an adult feels more relaxed if he or she knows that an understanding friend or colleague is present when a serious problem arises.
Children who are consistently validated often become less rigid and demanding, according to ongoing research, growing steadily more open to cooperating with problem-solving efforts. They are less likely to deny problems or blame others for their own actions, empathize more freely, and gradually begin to take more responsibility for their own behaviour.
If your child is experiencing emotional regulation issues, it is therefore advised that you begin to assist your child by setting aside time each day to actively listen to him or her; too often, parents passively listen while handling other tasks, and wind up brushing off their child's feelings due to their own hurried state.
When you have these conversations, focus on showing your child that his negative feelings, while they are painful, are both normal and surmountable. Show him ways that he can modify his own actions to make difficult situations more bearable, and remind him that you're always there to help and support him. In doing so, you position yourself as your child's guide, there not to judge him or to rescue him from his own errors, but to show him the correct path so that he may walk it himself.
Don't be misled by the belief that contemporary parents pay “too much” attention to the feelings of their children; in reality, this critique is aimed at parents who try to protect their children from feeling any negative emotions whatsoever, not parents who are attempting to teach their children how to actively manage bad feelings. Accepting your child's emotions and treating them as worthwhile and valid is not “indulgence”; it's the first step to your child being able to perceive them in the same manner. Only through such acceptance can your child take the first steps toward control and thereafter begin the lifelong process of self-improvement.
