As a member of the news media in good standing, I would like to apologize for desperately trying to tank the American economy by accurately reporting on what’s happening with the American economy.
That was a deeply unpatriotic thing for me to do. I should have known the correct path forward is to embrace everything President Donald Trump and members of the coequal branch of his administration at Fox News say, regardless of how false or glaringly inaccurate those statements might be.
My behavior has been foolish and I am probably a Communist. For that I am sorry and will report to the nearest federal prison upon completion of this column.
The error of my ways was pointed out earlier this month by noted truth-teller Lou Dobbs of Fox Business, who said: “Wall Street firms and the leftist national media (are) talking down the Trump stock market and the Trump economy today. Their focus, obviously, 2020 and putting a radical ‘dim’ in the White House.”
Busted. Two things people in my thriving industry are known for are working in concert with “Wall Street firms” and wanting to crash the economy, on account of we journalists already being so financially stable and wealthy and whatnot. We also are known as huge supporters of “radical dims.”
Trump, the first American president to adapt the innovative governing technique of watching Fox News all the time and simply repeating what his friends inside the TV box say, quickly chimed in with a tweet: “The Fake News Media is doing everything they can to crash the economy because they think that will be bad for me and my re-election.”
Honestly, when my Fake News Media friends and I cooked up this whole plot to crash the economy by relaying factual economic information and interviewing people who are experts in their fields, I never imagined it would unravel this fast.
Ainsley Earhardt, a host on the president’s favorite morning news-fantasy show “Fox & Friends,” was quick to criticize us fact-spewing economic naysayers: “I’m watching this and I’m like, it’s so obvious what they’re doing. They do not want him to win again. And they don’t like that the economy’s doing well, apparently.”
Darn us for being so obvious!
If there’s one thing a person like me, in a business that has been about as stable as a rocking chair on a roller coaster, hates it’s economic stability. So, naturally, I exerted the immense power I wield over global markets and set off on a crusade to make the president of the United States look bad.
That was rude and selfish. I and my colleagues in the news media should not have reported on a recent 800-point drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average brought on by signals from the bond market that a recession could be coming. We should have kept that information to ourselves and simply said the Dow “had a whoopsie” or that it was Hillary Clinton’s fault.
We should not have written anything about Trump’s trade war with China or pointed out the harm it is doing to American farmers. In particular, we should not have repeatedly pointed out that Trump’s claim that China is paying America billions of dollars in tariffs is a farcical lie and that tariffs are effectively a tax on American consumers.
We should have just lied and agreed with the president. That’s what a real American would do.
When President Trump recently said, “Our consumers are rich. I gave a tremendous tax cut,” we should have smiled and agreed rather than pointing out that most Americans are not, in fact, rich and the “tremendous tax cut” only benefited the wealthiest Americans. We should have buried the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service report that found the tax cuts didn’t lead to an increase in investment, aren’t paying for themselves as promised and have had little if any impact on wages.
We should have stuck only to the positive elements of the economy: unemployment is low; the economy is growing at a decent clip; and wages are rising.
The fact that Trump himself is floating ideas that sound like the kind of things a president would do if he was worried about an economic downturn — things like pushing the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates and considering a temporary payroll tax cut — should be wholly disregarded as the conspiratorial ramblings of the malevolent left-wing media.
The non-truth is that the American economy is in great shape — the best shape in all of human history — and everything Trump is doing is fantastic and brilliant and 100 percent working just right.
I’m sorry if I ever suggested otherwise or presented information that in any way conflicted with President Trump’s selfless comments about the amazingness of the American economy he single-handedly fixed.
I’m sorry I truthed on you, America. It won’t happen again.
